.:: depression ::.

moved

2007-02-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

i have once again. moved to another site. and this time. i'm sure that i'm gonna be staying there for quite some time. i'm sure of it. ;) please do take the time to drop by there. and for my linkies here. i transferred you all into my new home. we're still linkies and i hope you change my link too. lolz. is that really too much to ask? *sad face* haha. anyway. i love you all. i'm still a xangan&blogger at heart, but i kinda fell in love with chikikays. so. haha. i moved. what the hell? i have three hearts? :-/ i'm not making any sense here. pardon me for my crazyness. i'm just so excited coz i have a new home. and this time i can really practice my webdesigning skills. wipeeeee. all thanks to nicole. thankeeeee.

anyway. so yeah. i moved and here's my link.

i do hope that you'll visit me. i'll surely drop by your bloggies.

giddy

2007-02-06T18:49:00.000+08:00

miraculously. i am not in the mood to babble. i'm too busy surfing the net & making my assignment for our english class. i'll be busy for the coming weeks because of:

*anatomy exams
*a new layout [i'll be busy making the bg, images, looking for resources & thinking about the perfect theme for "the valentine's season"]
*reading tutorials [php, ftp. well that is if i'd be able to absorb everything that i'll be reading, well hopefully i'll understand these discombobulating topics]
*school. school. school

well. that's it. oh yeah. aaaaah. wish me luck. i hope that nicole will have the heart to adopt me as one of her babies.

byeee. hope you like my ugly signature. lolz.

**********************************************

thanks pandabaka for the image.

the fray

2007-02-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

i'm still in school. ~~researching~~. & i was listening to this song. i love the vid. woohooo. the fray.

i'll update later. ;)

death

2007-02-04T19:15:00.000+08:00

feels so much like falling, dying while i wait to die - flyleaf [much like falling]

DEATH.
n 1: the end of life 2: the cause of loss of life 3: the state of being dead

this entry is reply to rachelle's blog entry about death. my biggest fear is death. i'm scared of what might happen afterdeath. is there really life afterdeath. or will we be revived & will our soul be placed in another body. and we will be another person in another lifetime? or after we die. is it really the end. or just the beginning? a lot of questions always rise up to my mind whenever i think of the word death. dying. and i'm scared. because i know that when we die. we die alone. we came into this world alone, and we will die alone. and i really ~~hate being alone~~. i think that's another reason why i have this fear of death.

but there was a time before. wherein i feel like killing myself. and i think if i got rid of this fear before. i would not be typing in our living room right this very moment. if only i was braver than i am, i think, i'd be dead by now. so. haha. i should be thankful of this fear? [stupid conclusion, from stupid me]. i'll probably talk about that side of me later. in my other entries. lolz.

death. i still have this fear in me. and i'm scared of the future. i'm scared of getting old. scared of dying. just realized. i'm such a coward. haha. for rachelle she's waiting to die. and for her, 'the nearer the better'. but haha. it's the opposite thing for me. it's really confusing. coz kids these days, wanna die. and old people wanna live more. can you see how man can never be satisfied? they always want something they can never have. i mean. not really never, but for the time being, they want things which aren't really for them. ok. this is not about death anymore. haha.

death. is something really puzzling for me. at times. i wanna die. at times i'm scared. and i'll probably never understand it. ever.

the black buttons

2007-02-04T16:41:00.000+08:00

crap. my sister and i argued over something so stupid and right now we're not talking. not acknowledging each other's presence. it's really really stupid but since we both have pride as high as the empire state building or probably higher than that. then. i think we'll be staying like this forever. not unless one of us steps down from the freakin building and say sorry. it's bothering me a bit, but i think it doesn't really bother her because she has a stone-like heart. *rolling of eyes* i'm mean too. coz i won't let her borrow my phone. lolz. so she can't text. we are sisters.

oh yeah. i'm into reading fanfics again. HARRY POTTER fanfics. so. if anyone here can suggest a great fic. please do tell me ok? lolz. RON+HERMIONE or HARRY+HERMIONE. i miss readhing DRACO+HERMIONE fics too. lolz. so that's it. gotta go for now. i'll probably drop by again later. ;) love you all. i love comments. give me one. doodle doodle doodle. lolz.

anyway. yesterday. [when we were still giddy and peaceful]. i accompanied her to her band practice for their music class. and then. when we were on our way to their school. we got the chance to ride an extremely high tech jeepney. haha. it was really funny. no. it's not air conditioned. but. it's funny and really cute. coz there were buttons, i mean. in between the metal like bars [the bars wherein we could hold on too if the jeepney runs too fast, get me?]. yeah. there were cute, black buttons. and the conductor said that we should just push the button if we want the jeepney to stop. i mean. at first we thought the conductor was just mumbling incoherent words and all that, but actually, he was saying "please, paki-press lang ng button kung bababa na kayo at kung gusto nu nang ipatigil ang jip". it was my first time to ride a jeepney with those cute buttons. lolz. sorry if i sound so ignorant. haha.

well anyway. today. again. i'm too lazy to go to the church. argh. i hate this. i always feel so sleepy whenever it's time to go to the church or something. idk. i have nothing against GOD. i mean i DO LOVE HIM. i pray every night. i'm not an atheist. but. idk. i hate hearing masses. it's boring. and i can't hear the preist. besides. most of the time. the homily of the preist are pretty pointless and i hate it if they talk about politics. lalalala. but i have to go to the church later. bummer. just to please my parents.

oh yeah. check this site out. really really GREAT SHOTS [pics]. love em.
http://news.yahoo.com/page/space

confused

2007-02-02T22:21:00.000+08:00

real bummer. coz i ~~can't~~ use the net & pc for more than three hours! is that even possible for me? i mean. my dad proposed that rule already before, i mean before he left for africa. and my sister and i thought that we could just cheat our way out. like. we won't tell them that we used the net for more than three hours, we didn't know that it would be plotted down on the bill. ~~crap~~. so now. parang. nkabantay cla samen. just because of the freakin bill! i hate globeliness. *sigh*

so yeah. just finished my layout. but i wan't to place a counter, cute smileys, icons, and my own Q&A [just because everybody has it. haha]. and i have to make my site look more creative. for me it looks dull, plain and boring. waaaaaa. but i love the songs. hehe. i do have a hard time getting in blogger.com no freakin idea why. is 8 because of our connection? ooohhh. how i adore net cafes. especially the ones with speakers & headphones. lolz.

nothing exciting happened to day. sorry. lolz. and yeah. before i really say g'nyt to you all. hmmm.

there's a war goin on inside my head. whether i should tell you guys about this secret life of mine. or should i just refrain from revealing everything here [in my blogsite], coz of the fear that someone close to me, or someone who knows me from school will read this and then find out this secret thing about me.

only my h.s barkada, best friend, sister, kuia, some of my online friends & 3 of my college friends ang may alam bout this.

should i spill? or keep the skeletons in my closet?

2007-02-02T09:20:00.000+08:00

:blush:yuppiieeeee. a new layout for me. :D comment on the layout okay. and tell me if it looks fine on your screen. did that sound right? haha. i'm gonna update soon. if i do have time. been pretty busy lately. and yay. this is my first layout. image and all. and hey! thoughts are strictly my property okay? no stealing. haha. as if someone would be interested in my thoughts, layouts and images. lolz. byeee. have to look for a cute cursor or a cursor that would fit this page. and can anyone here suggest umm.. a website for music codes? i mean. i wanna use the myflashfetish thing. but i can't look for a suitable code or something. anyway. thanks. ;) stay safe. :D

2007-01-11T18:10:00.000+08:00

so, i placed another comment link whatever you call that thing... thanks to haloscan.. so anyway... i`ve been gone for quite some time.. it`s because of our stupid net connection... and because of that freakin earthquake.. we have no phoneline!!! crap! and no net connection..a very great way to start the year 2Oo7. so anyway. i`ll have a blog leave for a while. i`ll probably back. after a week or so, or until our net connection goes back to normal. coz right now. i`m in a cafe. with lots of noisy and irritating boys/guys. whatever. so, i`ll update next time. i`ll miss you guys. and for the link exchange. i`ll place your links later. i`m still waiting for your approval. lolz.

2007-01-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

last hours of 2oO6

so how the heck did i spend my last hours? well. i was like a sick, lazy girl just lying around here in the house. so here`s what happened.

december 31. 2Oo6 - january 1. 2Oo7

9:3o am : woke up. duh? and then. my mom was bugging us to hurry up already because we have to go to church blah blah blah. so we were dragged out from our beds, ate breakfast, half asleep. and then we saw that LAW AND ORDER [special victims unit] was on. so we watched while eating. i felt so sick, coz i have colds, i felt like i`m having a fever and cough. great way to celebrate new year eh?! lolz. anyway. so after eating. L&O was still on so we watched. even though it was a rerun already. haha. my mom kept on bugging us to take a bath already, get ready for church. blah. so, finally, after L&O. my sister took a bath. and me? i was opening an e-mail for my mom and all. by now. it was already 10 something in the morning. i wasn`t feeling well. so ta-da! whatever you say, i don`t give a shit. lolz. i didn`t take a bath. haha. coz i think if i dipped myself/splashed myself with the water, i`d die of pneumonia. 8- yeah. that sickly. so then.

11:oO am : went to the mass. tried my best to listen to every word the priest says. but i can`t barely hear him. i don`t know. probably because of the speaker or something. so. i couldn`t stop myself from daydreaming. but really. i tried to participate and all. i`m a changed woman already. haha. woman?! anyway. after the mass.

12:oO nn : didn`t really feel like eating lunch. all of us. haha. so i think the maids were the one who gobbled up on the food for lunch. if there was something prepared for lunch i`m not really sure. so from the church, my sister and i hang out in our room. talking and all. and i was bored. so turned on the pc. and net stuff again. i was too lazy and too tired to update my blog or even my friendster and all that. so. i was just surfing and all. this was around 12:3o already.

1:oO pm : visited my fave site. FLYLEAF and downloaded their videos. read their bio & learned more about my idol lacey. and of course. the whole band! :D really. it was like [according to my best friend] the flyleaf day or something. like flyleaf learning whatever.
i think i finished with the flyleaf thing at 5 in the afternoon. whew! lolz. and by now. i fell in love with them even more.

so at around 5:3o or something. i wasn`t really doing anything. so i just watched CHEATERS. didn`t really get the chance to watch it before. so yeah. for a while. my boredom walked away. and then. when i finished the movie. we finished dinner already, we ate while watching and after dinner. my mom announced that we were gonna eat the 12mdnight meal whatsoever, as early as 10pm. haha. so we`re like stuffing ourselves with food. bwahaha! :))

so before 10pm. just watched madagascar. and then before i knew it. the baby back ribs was already on the table, with the choco sansrival. and it was chow time again! whew. so after the meal. ack. i was so full. couldn`t even move. hohum. i`ll neve be thin again. :( anyyway. so that was it. my mother slept, coz she said that she was too tired to stay up until 12mdnight. so. my sister was still using the pc. playing sims and all. and i watched a lil tv and all.

12mdnight : it was really very noisy here. couldn`t hear my own voice because of all the noise our neighbors were creating. i was still sick. colds and all. but it was colds & cough. not much with the fever thing. a lot of greetings flooded my inbox. and yeah. my best friend called. and then. greeted each other. then she said that she`s gonna call me again coz she was gonna do something.

so. i was left alone. coz my sister was busy playing. decided to watch. cruel intentions 2. [thanks zar for letting me borrow the cds]. so i can say that the first movie i eve watched for the year 2oO7 is CRUEL INTENTIONS 2. the movie ended at around 1:3o or so. i`m not really sure. well anyway. my sister wen to the room already before the movie even ended. and i was left alone here in the living room. after watching. i turned on the pc again. and checked my accounts. still i was too lazy to update my blogs. so. after i got tired with the net thing. i wen to the room. and drifted to sleep.

so that`s how i celebrated my new year`s eve. pretty fun right? haha. kidding. well it`s really true that at times, the way you celebrate your holidays when you were a kid is different from how you celebrate it when you`re older. when i was a kid. every christmas & new year. i`d really look forward to it. with all the gifts, food & firworks that i could see. i was such a happy kid. *sigh* but it`s really different from now. nowadays. i mean now that i`m older. christmas and new year just come and go. i mean heck. i am happy that i am still alive and all. but it`s really different. maybe someday, there`ll be a happy christmas for me and a great new year`s eve. but for now. it wasn`t really a blast. i was just happy coz there`s no classes and all. lolz.

i`m looking forward to the new year. 2oO7. probably this year`s christmas eve & new year`s eve will be different right? who knows?

2006-12-30T13:22:00.000+08:00

so yeah. this is my first blog after how many months of hiatus. & this is my new blogspot. i love blogspot. coz i get the chance to change the url and all that. and make lotsa blogsites. as many as i can. coz of the dashboard thingy. whatever. useless shit. i haven`t got the chance to update my xanga site either. i was just pretty busy. okay fine. i was lazy. and besides i`m literally sick. i`m not feelign well. i feel like i have a fever or something but when i check my temperature, everything seems normal. and hell. i have colds. i hate this. i have to drag around my trusty "sando" [i use a sando, please don`t laugh or i`ll shoot. coz if i use a real handkerchief, i would have to use more than 50 hanky for my nose?!? but if i use THE sando, i`ll probably be wasting.. um.. 5-10 sandos] (is that icky or what? haha!!) for my fcukin drippy nose. my throat feels so scratchy too. *rolling of the eyes*

oh well. enough of my sick self. just got home actually from a friends house. i stayed there for the night, with my other barkada and my lil sister. :D not so lil really coz she`s taller than me and she`s still 15. and i`m 18. wtf?! i am not blessed in that effin height department. hohum. anyway. so yeah. we stayed there for the night. we actually got to her house at around. 2 in the morning. or was it 1.3o? when we arrived there. we watched cruel intentions. haha. coz of me. when that movie came out. i wasn`t able to watch it coz i really wasn`t that interested before, because oh, never mind. zargy & irish were so funny coz they memorized the lines. i mean some of the parts. and i was kinda sad coz ryan died. haha. what a late movie review. haha. skip that part. so yeah. we watched. and we finished at around 3am something. and i was supposed to go to this registration thing. for the election. whatever. as early as 5 in the morning. to meet also my other friends and my best friend`s sister. but i felt so dizzy. and sick. so yin yin. my best friend. just told me that i should just stay there and rest. so. yeah. i didn`t go to this stupid registration thing. after yin yin left. i thought it was resting/sleeping time already. haha. i was wrong. coz irish started talking. and zargy felt that she couldn`t sleep. so. we just talked and talked.

about the talk:

whew! i learned a lot from ms. irish the psychiatrist. haha. [just coz she`s a psyche student]. anyway. no really. she taught me a lot. [awww]. the id, ego, super ego thing? lolz. i mean. we took that up when we were still in hs but duh? nobody ever listens in hs. haha. zargy was really. sleeping & not sleeping & sleeping & not sleeping. so. she wasn`t really that talkative. irish was really that talker. haha. so well, i told them about myself, my crazy moments, really really schitzo like moments. i freaked them out a lil bit. haha. can`t blame them. i mean. i sound like i was a total wacko or something. so irish concluded that i probably lost my soul somewhere. it sounded like a joke at first. but when the message sank deeper into my skin. thoughts. heart. mind. i realized. that yeah. probably in a way. i lost my soul somewhere and i need to find it right away to make myself whole again. to avoid all these THERE IS NO SELF moments. and she also said that. i have this identification thingy. a sorta like defense mechanism. she explained to me that this identification thing is like. for example me. i don`t have my own identity. i don`t know myself that well. and i see other people. other people that has their own identy. knows exactly what they want. and i get the tendency to copy them. in some way. not totally copy them. but somehow make myself like them. so for a while. i`d have an identity. and if ever i do get tired of adapting to that sort of identity or something. i`d feel empty again. clueless of who i really am. that`s why for me. i really do think that i lost my soul somewhere. and i need to find myself. the real me. coz everytime i think about myself. whenever i really do seriously think about everything. i`d feel empty. so empty and depressed. miserable. incomplete.

but on the other side. i feel blessed. to have my family [even if i don`t really open up to them that much, well. not really that much, coz i DON`T open up to them]. to have my friends [yes. i am really lucky coz they accepted me. despite my being disfunctional]. best friend. my sister. and of course. GOD. even if i know that HE literally doesn`t reply to you. just knowing that HE`s there. listening. that`s enough for me. and probably my new year`s resolution woud be. to be close to HIM again. get to know him. but not to the point that i`d be like imprisoning myself just for following everything. for trying to be perfect. because as we all know. nobody is perfect. and if we try to be perfect, it`s one way of imprisoning ourselves, torturing ourselves. placing ourselves in gas chambers, suffocating ourselves and not letting ourselves feel the freedom that we are all entitled to.

somehow. i know that someday i`ll be able to find myself. i know that i`ll be able to set myself free and let myself really say out loud that i know myself. i know mika.

but for now. i have to deal with the darkness surrounding me. learn to cope up with life. and learn to deal with everything that comes my way. and just try my best to be happy.

i know someday. i`ll reach the end of this dark tunnel.

ps: i`m a lil bit hungry. oh yeah. kudos to the maker of this awesome layout.

edited:

just finished editing this thing. haven`t eaten yet. ok. i`m done. thanks mrMILO.king