so yeah. this is my first blog after how many months of hiatus. & this is my new blogspot. i love blogspot. coz i get the chance to change the url and all that. and make lotsa blogsites. as many as i can. coz of the dashboard thingy. whatever. useless shit. i haven`t got the chance to update my xanga site either. i was just pretty busy. okay fine. i was lazy. and besides i`m literally sick. i`m not feelign well. i feel like i have a fever or something but when i check my temperature, everything seems normal. and hell. i have colds. i hate this. i have to drag around my trusty "sando" [i use a sando, please don`t laugh or i`ll shoot. coz if i use a real handkerchief, i would have to use more than 50 hanky for my nose?!? but if i use THE sando, i`ll probably be wasting.. um.. 5-10 sandos] (is that icky or what? haha!!) for my fcukin drippy nose. my throat feels so scratchy too. *rolling of the eyes*

oh well. enough of my sick self. just got home actually from a friends house. i stayed there for the night, with my other barkada and my lil sister. :D not so lil really coz she`s taller than me and she`s still 15. and i`m 18. wtf?! i am not blessed in that effin height department. hohum. anyway. so yeah. we stayed there for the night. we actually got to her house at around. 2 in the morning. or was it 1.3o? when we arrived there. we watched cruel intentions. haha. coz of me. when that movie came out. i wasn`t able to watch it coz i really wasn`t that interested before, because oh, never mind. zargy & irish were so funny coz they memorized the lines. i mean some of the parts. and i was kinda sad coz ryan died. haha. what a late movie review. haha. skip that part. so yeah. we watched. and we finished at around 3am something. and i was supposed to go to this registration thing. for the election. whatever. as early as 5 in the morning. to meet also my other friends and my best friend`s sister. but i felt so dizzy. and sick. so yin yin. my best friend. just told me that i should just stay there and rest. so. yeah. i didn`t go to this stupid registration thing. after yin yin left. i thought it was resting/sleeping time already. haha. i was wrong. coz irish started talking. and zargy felt that she couldn`t sleep. so. we just talked and talked.

about the talk:

whew! i learned a lot from ms. irish the psychiatrist. haha. [just coz she`s a psyche student]. anyway. no really. she taught me a lot. [awww]. the id, ego, super ego thing? lolz. i mean. we took that up when we were still in hs but duh? nobody ever listens in hs. haha. zargy was really. sleeping & not sleeping & sleeping & not sleeping. so. she wasn`t really that talkative. irish was really that talker. haha. so well, i told them about myself, my crazy moments, really really schitzo like moments. i freaked them out a lil bit. haha. can`t blame them. i mean. i sound like i was a total wacko or something. so irish concluded that i probably lost my soul somewhere. it sounded like a joke at first. but when the message sank deeper into my skin. thoughts. heart. mind. i realized. that yeah. probably in a way. i lost my soul somewhere and i need to find it right away to make myself whole again. to avoid all these THERE IS NO SELF moments. and she also said that. i have this identification thingy. a sorta like defense mechanism. she explained to me that this identification thing is like. for example me. i don`t have my own identity. i don`t know myself that well. and i see other people. other people that has their own identy. knows exactly what they want. and i get the tendency to copy them. in some way. not totally copy them. but somehow make myself like them. so for a while. i`d have an identity. and if ever i do get tired of adapting to that sort of identity or something. i`d feel empty again. clueless of who i really am. that`s why for me. i really do think that i lost my soul somewhere. and i need to find myself. the real me. coz everytime i think about myself. whenever i really do seriously think about everything. i`d feel empty. so empty and depressed. miserable. incomplete.

but on the other side. i feel blessed. to have my family [even if i don`t really open up to them that much, well. not really that much, coz i DON`T open up to them]. to have my friends [yes. i am really lucky coz they accepted me. despite my being disfunctional]. best friend. my sister. and of course. GOD. even if i know that HE literally doesn`t reply to you. just knowing that HE`s there. listening. that`s enough for me. and probably my new year`s resolution woud be. to be close to HIM again. get to know him. but not to the point that i`d be like imprisoning myself just for following everything. for trying to be perfect. because as we all know. nobody is perfect. and if we try to be perfect, it`s one way of imprisoning ourselves, torturing ourselves. placing ourselves in gas chambers, suffocating ourselves and not letting ourselves feel the freedom that we are all entitled to.

somehow. i know that someday i`ll be able to find myself. i know that i`ll be able to set myself free and let myself really say out loud that i know myself. i know mika.

but for now. i have to deal with the darkness surrounding me. learn to cope up with life. and learn to deal with everything that comes my way. and just try my best to be happy.

i know someday. i`ll reach the end of this dark tunnel.

ps: i`m a lil bit hungry. oh yeah. kudos to the maker of this awesome layout.

edited:

just finished editing this thing. haven`t eaten yet. ok. i`m done. thanks mrMILO.king